Mayoral Bets On NFL Playoff Games Are The Worst
Imagine the nicest person you know. An aunt who always includes a $50 bill in your birthday card. A kindly uncle who always has a Werther’s…
Imagine the nicest person you know. An aunt who always includes a $50 bill in your birthday card. A kindly uncle who always has a Werther’s to give. A grandparent whose hugs genuinely transmit love.
Imagine that person trying to talk trash to you.
Then, before we even go on, you already know how this “bet” between the mayors of Charlotte and Seattle is going to play out. This is the second straight year that the Carolina Panthers and Seattle Seahawks are meeting in the divisional round of the playoffs. But the bet is a hokey tradition that never seems to die. Every year, when one mid- to small-market team plays another in the postseason, its respective leaders feel the need to, you know, put a little somethin’ extra on the line. This isn’t nearly as important to, say, the mayors of New York and Chicago, because those are some hardened politicians, man. Giants win? Chicago gets a barge of Staten Island garbage! Bears win? New York has to take on a mustached Cook County bureaucrat who’s twice been convicted of graft.
But the mayors of Seattle and Charlotte are way too nice, which means I am not buying any of this.
“I’m looking forward to celebrating another Seahawk playoff win with another package of prizes from yet another Mayor of Charlotte,” said Mayor Murray.
Yet another mayor? Oh, that’s some bold talk comin’ from Ed Murray, who’s been mayor of Seattle for two whole years. You ever start a new job, and on your first day, some guy pulls out aside to say “let me tell you how things really are around here,” only to discover that this guy just got hired three months ago? Sure, I’m new here too, but I’m just a keen observer of the human condition.
Also, the only people who get excited about prize packs are the DJs from a third-place Adult Contemporary station.
“We have never lost to the Panthers in the playoffs and I know Coach Carroll has the team ready for this road playoff game.”
Somebody has workshopped this sentence to the point that even Siri would have a hard time saying it.
“Last week’s game is proof that the Seahawks can beat any opponent, in any weather, in any stadium.”
Did you watch the game? Nobody beat anybody. The score was 10–9, and Seattle only won because Ray Finkle shanked a 27-yard field goal that should have easily won the game for the Vikings. This is like declaring that you beat Phil Mickelson because he got struck by lightning while lining up a one-foot putt on the 18th green. He didn’t finish his round! I win!
“As much as I’d love to share our fine southern cuisine with our cross-country colleagues, they will have to settle for eating crow after we beat the ‘Hawks’,” said [Charlotte Mayor Jennifer] Roberts.
Amirite?! Eating crow! A hawk! Birds! It works on SO MANY LEVELS you guys. Also, I love how Charlotte’s mayor is so begrudgingly telling people in the Seattle mayor’s office that she’d just love to drop a bucket of butter and a Paula Deen cookbook in the mail, but oh, the Panthers are just going to make it soooooo hard to do that. Your arteries will just have be clogged the good ol’ fashioned Seattle way: with scone residue.
“Coach Rivera has the team prepared to defeat anyone standing in their path to the Super Bowl. Pete Carroll will be sleepless in Charlotte trying to develop a game plan to stop Cam Newton.”
This is how bad guys on Disney Channel shows talk when they want to be menacing. Plus, Sleepless in Seattle was about a hardened corporate bookseller falling for an independent store owner. They put aside their differences and found love. Awwwwwww. Pete Carroll and Cam Newton may have their differences, but the one thing they share is passion. For the game!
(Wait, that was actually the plot of You’ve Got Mail. Anyway, same difference.)
If the Seahawks beat the Panthers, Mayor Roberts will send Mayor Murray barbeque from Mac’s Speed Shop, beer from The Olde Mecklenburg Brewery, and salted caramel brownies from Amelie’s French Bakery.
Oh don’t stop there. Why not tag Seattleites in Instagram pictures of the uptown skyline, sign them up for daily Charlotte Agenda emails (Starbucks is going down? I have no real evidence! It’s a hunch!), and ship them some airport bonds artisan-wrapped in letters to the editor complaining about Cam Newton? YOU’LL LOVE CHARLOTTE SO MUCH, YOUR EYES WILL BLEED.
If the Panthers defeat the Seahawks, Mayor Murray will send Mayor Roberts beer from Pike Brewing, wine from the South Seattle College’s Northwest Wine Academy, and Chinese barbeque from Kau Kau in the Chinatown-International District.
Remember last year, when Seattle offered up some vinyl from Sub Pop records? I’ve never wanted the Panthers to win so badly. A month later, I could have put in a public records request to get the new Sleater-Kinney album. But sure, reheat some barbecue. Whatever.