North Carolina Rabbit Hole

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Here are all of your North Carolina gripes.

www.ncrabbithole.com

Here are all of your North Carolina gripes.

Hey, there was an inauguration! Hence, it was the perfect time to go on record with your grievances about this state.

Jeremy Markovich
Jan 21, 2021
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Here are all of your North Carolina gripes.

www.ncrabbithole.com

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Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) attends the swearing-in ceremony for Sheriff Andy Taylor.

Folks, all politics is local:

Twitter avatar for @dthopinion
DTH Opinion @dthopinion
BREAKING: Joe Biden, who once ordered a milkshake at the Durham Cook Out, is our president now.
5:19 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021
2,776Likes416Retweets

I watched or listened to nearly all of the inauguration coverage from yesterday, and it was … nice. So nice, in fact, that I found myself without much to say about it. That’s not a knock on the beauty or the solemnity or the majesty of the situation — Inauguration Days have a way of playing out like Democracy! The Musical. But, after the last four years, where every day has been some sort of pop-up fire which opens up a new, potentially catastrophic constitutional crisis, it was nice to see something, essentially, go off as planned. After four years of Back to the Future Part II, it felt refreshing to watch Back to the Future again.

We’ll eventually get back to it when the inevitable glow subsides (I’ve got some Andrew Johnson stuff on deck for, you know, the impeachment thing), but for now, it’s time for an inauguration news dump. For instance, did you know that NC State legend Philip Rivers retired yesterday? No? That’s because it happened during the midst of a singular news event so big that nearly the entire country was watching it, making memes about it, and reading articles about it. For his part, Rivers said it wasn’t a news dump:

Rivers said in his statement that he wanted to announce his retirement on Jan. 20, which is the Roman Catholic Church's feast day for St. Sebastian -- often referred to as the patron saint for athletes.

Oh, okay.

Anyhow, during the midst of the Bidening, I asked you all to dump your unpopular opinions about North Carolina, and you delivered.


Twitter avatar for @Jasongreer
Jason Greer @Jasongreer
@deftlyinane The leaders of the Lost Colony were terrible planners
2:41 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Comin’ in hot! In August 1587, about 115 English settlers arrived on Roanoke Island, which is the home of present day Manteo. Three years later, when another group of Englishfolk arrived, the original settlers had vanished. The only thing left behind was the word “Croatoan” carved into a wood post.

This was a mystery so legendary that it was taught to me, at some point, during my schooling way out in the hinterlands of Ohio. It’s always been exciting because nobody knew what happened to the Lost Colony! Except now, maybe, we do: There’s a theory, supported by fairly new archeological evidence, that the colonists moved inland and/or to Croatoan Island, which is modern day Hatteras Island. And yet, it took more than 400 years to figure that out! That’s why (J. Walter Weatherman voice here) you always leave a note.


Twitter avatar for @staceysimms
Stacey Simms @staceysimms
@deftlyinane More New Yorkers only makes things better.
3:27 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

I’ll relate my first-hand experience with this: When I first moved to Charlotte in 2005, I joined the Browns Backers club. It was a miserable experience. As soon as the team playing Cleveland got their first positive yardage, people were swearing at the TV, angry about the inevitable loss that was coming. There was no joy. Just commiseration.

A few weeks later, someone took me to a bar that served as the home of the local Buffalo Bills fan club. The outcome of the game I watched was mostly the same, since the Bills were equally as bad back then. But after every first down, people were up on their feet, high-fiving and hollering like they’d just won the damn Lombardi Trophy. I had a great time. We should all be so lucky to find a joy like that, regardless of where you stand on table-breaking.


Twitter avatar for @SureThen
Dick Clark @SureThen
@deftlyinane No respectable college football
2:58 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

I’m sorry, but you’re wrong:


Twitter avatar for @bmc415
Brian Carroll @bmc415
@deftlyinane The outer banks are incredibly overrated
2:54 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Here’s the thing about the Outer Banks: They are really far away from the rest of North Carolina. Unless you live in, say, Roanoke Rapids, literally every beach in North Carolina (or the other Carolina for that matter) is closer. Plus, the northern part of the banks, the stretch from Nags Head to Corolla, is a lot like almost every other stretch of beach town here. Why go to Duck when, say, you could be at Isle of Palms or Topsail Island in half the time?

Anyway, here’s why you should go:

  1. Lighthouses.

  2. Horsies.

  3. Big ass dunes.

  4. Biscuits ‘n’ Porn.

  5. Abandoned Scooby Doo amusement park.

The Outer Banks! Just a short ferry ride from Chapel Hill.


Twitter avatar for @andygoh
Andy Goh @andygoh
@deftlyinane People in NC don’t understand how to use their bright lights while driving 🤷🏻‍♂️
5:38 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

I know that night mode is a fairly new innovation for your smart phone, but automobiles have had a switch to toggle between high- and low-beams since 1924. You should try it out sometime!


Twitter avatar for @clarkriemer
Clark D. Riemer @clarkriemer
@deftlyinane We have the worst state government architecture in the Union.
4:10 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

I can’t make a definitive judgment on this, so I referred this tweet to state government Grand Poobah Gerry Cohen, who replied: “If you like North Korean architecture, you’ll love the N.C. State Government Mall.”


Twitter avatar for @ajarrell82
Adam @ajarrell82
@deftlyinane The marbled salamander is clearly an average salamander at best, with the Hellbender deserving of its State title.
2:58 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Fun fact, most of North Carolina’s state symbols of late were the result of class projects, mostly from fourth graders. (PROMO: I did a whole podcast episode about this!) In this particular case, a teenager from Raleigh pushed for the marbled salamander, which was named a state symbol in 2013. I’d normally say to leave this one alone, lest the teens clown you on TikTok.

But! On name alone, the Hellbender should win. It’s also an animal that likes to beef. In 2018, Leigh Ann Henion went on a salamander safari for Our State, and wrote with this passage:

“This is a new friend,” Maria says, gently running her finger down the hellbender’s back. The salamander’s belly is orange, and his tail is like animated river stone. He squirms in the measuring trough as if he’s still underwater, with hind quarters covered in scar tissue. Faint lines form intricate, webbed patterns indicating that he’s a survivor. “You’re a bad boy, aren’t you?” Maria says in admiration, as she swabs his foot with a Q-tip to check for fungal infection. “He’s like, ‘I’ve been in fights before, and you haven’t seen the last of me!’ ”

The New River: A veritable snot otter Road House.


I’m lumping the next few responses together:

Twitter avatar for @TimeBod
Dad Bod Time Machine @TimeBod
@G_Hastings @deftlyinane Bojangle’s > Tupelo Honey
5:40 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021
1Like1Retweet
Twitter avatar for @jafowler85
Justin @jafowler85
@deftlyinane Cheerwine is just meh
4:18 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021
Twitter avatar for @jackmcgraf
Jack @jackmcgraf
@deftlyinane Dunkin' is much better overall than Krispy Kreme
2:57 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021
Twitter avatar for @choosesam
Sam Spencer @choosesam
@deftlyinane I don’t like pimento cheese
3:10 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Folks, I get it. When you arrive in North Carolina from another place, someone one at the DMV hands you a card telling you that you like sweet tea now and your new national anthem is the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show. But! You don’t have to like any of the things that people here like! It’s okay! I, for one, do not like grits, and sometimes, in polite company with longtime North Carolinians, I get hit with phrases like “What, I say, what is wrong with grits?!” spoken in Foghorn Leghorn’s vernacular. My response is usually that grew up in northeast Ohio so I’m more of a pirogi guy, which isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison (nobody asks their waiter to swap out grits with pirogi), but still. I’m gonna break bread with Mrs. Paul’s, and you’re gonna eat your slimy, sandy, weird grits for some reason. Weird flex, but okay.


Twitter avatar for @Stallinguist
Dunkin' on Centrists 🌻🏀🏹 @Stallinguist
@deftlyinane The state flower is dumb and smells bad
2:48 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

The state flower is the dogwood flower, which is fine and all, but we could have had the flame azalea, which is coincidentally the name of my Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band.

Also, there are five dogwood festivals in North Carolina! Five! AND THEY’RE ALL IN APRIL. That is too much dogwood, man, although this gripe pairs nicely with fried chicken:

Twitter avatar for @will_doran
Will Doran @will_doran
@deftlyinane Contrary to this @ReporterCioffi headline, we don't have nearly enough fried chicken festivals newsobserver.com/news/politics-…
3:10 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Twitter avatar for @realcooolcat
Bel Navassa @realcooolcat
@deftlyinane You can go to the fanciest restaurants in North Carolina, and there will always be some fool in a screen-print t-shirt.
3:28 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

This is an astonishingly accurate observation. Yes, someday, when you get a good, expensive meal at Chef & The Farmer, you will glance at the table next to you and see some dude getting molten chocolate all over his Brew Thru tee.


Twitter avatar for @johnhamlin
johnhamlin @johnhamlin
@deftlyinane Most of the famous people born here moved away before they could form memories.
3:15 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Here is a list of every president born in North Carolina, and what happened to them:

  • Andrew Jackson: Moved to Tennessee.

  • James K. Polk: Moved to Tennessee.

  • Andrew Johnson: Moved to Tennessee.


    Twitter avatar for @KathieDello
    Dr. Kathie Dello @KathieDello
    @deftlyinane it is strange that downtown Raleigh and Charlotte do not have a waterfront
    3:18 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

This comes from North Carolina’s state climatologist, and stay with me here: In a tweet, this sounds like a curious musing. But, said in a Dr. Evil voice, it sounds like a foreboding prediction from someone who is way in the weeds on sea level rise. How very odd that Wilmingtonians aren’t treading water more, she said, menacingly.

But to her point, yes, it is a little strange, because old cities tend to be built near water. Raleigh became North Carolina’s state capital in 1792 because, at the time, it was basically at the center of the state. It wasn’t the most populous city because, at the time, travel over land was really hard, and the biggest cities were all along the coast. As for Charlotte, it was founded at the crossing of two trading paths and, well, if you think there’s no waterfront in central Charlotte, think again:

Twitter avatar for @townerb
Towner Blackstock @townerb
@KathieDello @deftlyinane Uptown Charlotte is on a hill. Our extensive, upscale waterfront is at its base to the south. See? (Photo: @greglacour)
Image
3:37 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Twitter avatar for @MillerYoho
Miller @MillerYoho
@deftlyinane The Meck Dec is real
2:39 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

You don’t know that.


Twitter avatar for @ninjia321
Jia Lin @ninjia321
@deftlyinane Why is it so expensive to live here?? We are the South, I thought?
4:32 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

[House Hunters: Charlotte episode opens]

Wife: I take pictures of the skyline and post them on Instagram.
Husband: I blog about breweries.
Wife: Our budget is $960,000.


Twitter avatar for @daringantt
Darin Gantt @daringantt
@deftlyinane Contrary to Thomas Wolfe, it is, in fact, possible to go home again.
4:15 PM ∙ Jan 20, 2021

Thomas Wolfe’s “You Can’t Go Home Again” was about an author who wrote about his hometown, then tries to go back to that town and is shocked that he’s become a pariah. (Wolfe himself didn’t have to worry about that, since he was already dead when that book was published.) But for the sake of all of us, I hope Darin is right. Otherwise, we’re all gonna have a lot of explainin’ to do.

—

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: You may have noticed that I did not have a newsletter out on Monday. I … just ran out of time. But is that okay? You tell me. If you like getting this twice a week, please tell me. If you’re cool with just one, also tell me.

I, Jeremy Markovich, am a journalist, writer, and producer based outside of Greensboro, North Carolina. If you liked this, you might like Away Message, my podcast about North Carolina’s hard-to-find people, places, and things. Season 4 was all about the Mountains-to-Sea Trail.

Author avatar by Rich Barrett.

If you enjoyed this edition of the North Carolina Rabbit Hole, share it with your friends and mash that subscribe button below.

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Here are all of your North Carolina gripes.

www.ncrabbithole.com
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Jordan McSwain
Jan 21, 2021Liked by Jeremy Markovich

Love getting two newsletters a week! But if you run out of time again that's okay.

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