Coolio’s Fish Takes A Fantastic Voyage Through My Bowels

A cautionary true story about blindly accepting celebrity-prepared food from well-meaning co-workers

Coolio died on September 28, 2022. Below is a blog I wrote in May 2010, although it’s not very good and it’s probably better if you just watch this video instead:

Here’s the story: Coolio appears on Charlotte Today. Coolio raps. Coolio cooks fish. Jeremy eats fish. Jeremy gets sick.

I’m not saying there’s a cause-effect thing going on here. I, as a rule, get really hungry, like, always. My stomach growls so much, it’s usually hoarse.

Cookin’ with Coolio (Image: Janet Lackey via Flickr)

That’s what lured me to Coolio’s (not making this up) Tricked-Out Westside Tilapia. Somebody from the show put a plate of it on my desk. Right in front of me. Come on. That’s not fair.

A co-worker told me I probably shouldn’t eat it, but since I already had half of it in my mouth, I chose to ignore him. Three hours later, he shook his head at me when I lurched over to his desk and asked for Tums. Later, I found out why he had been so concerned: Coolio threw most of the ingredients into the dish with his bare hands. He also used what he referred to as a half-dimebag of pepper.

By 3:30, my stomach felt like it was trying to digest itself, and I fought back a Tricked-Out Southside Eruption. The same co-worker who warned me not to eat Coolio’s tilapia took great delight in telling me that yes, this is what it must be like livin’ in a Gangsta’s Paradise. Another asked me if my lunch was going to slide, slide, slippedy slide out, uh, somewhere.

I was doing what I could. Just to survive. And I did. Whatever I had ended up running its course in a quite non-violent manner a few hours later.

I did get a chance to meet Coolio right after eating his lunch, and I thanked him for it. Coolio, to use a bad pun, is a really cool guy. He sat in a side room behind the studio, signing copies of his new album and posing for pictures with all of us. He talked about one of his new songs, “Change,” and in a moment of sober introspection, explained that the song’s deep meaning was a battle between being who you were and who you are when your life changes. “And guys,” he said. “You’ve gotta see the video. It’s got three women in it so fine, they make Charlie’s Angels look like shit.”

Fine. I’ll concede that point, Coolio. But the next time you cook me lunch, use a spoon.